Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Sleep... where are you!? My emo post.

So for the last couple weeks now, I've been having a bit of a hard time falling asleep. I go to bed at around midnight, and then like last night, I end up not being able to fall asleep until after 2. I'm laying in bed with my eyes closed, but I can't fall asleep, probably from all the random things running through my head. Then I finally fall asleep, around 2:20 I believe, and yay I suddenly wake up at 5:45. And of course, I have to take my mom to work every morning at 7:45, so no chance of getting back to sleep for some more shut-eye. I've tried going to bed at around 10 or 10:30 as well, but then I fall asleep around 1 and wake up around 4:15-4:30. If I go to bed after 3-4 AM, I usually don't have much of a problem falling asleep, but of course that doesn't leave much time for sleeping, either. :(

One of the things running through my head last night was time, and death. A common topic I think of when I'm alone with my thoughts, always leaving me feeling "emo", scared, and alone. I realized I'm "only" 21... but wait, doesn't that mean roughly 1/3rd of my life is already gone? Probably more in my case. What happens after that... All I see is nothingness. I'm not a religious person at all, I don't particularly believe in God, but now will I defend that he doesn't exist. To be honest, when I think of death, I just see darkness and unknown and it really scares me. But of course, this is nothing new. Death is a scary thing for most people, I think. Honestly though, I think I'm most scared that I'm going to die alone without ever having found someone to love and be loved by.

Another scary thing I suddenly realized... I know I've always had a bad memory of my childhood (age 1-7) which I thought was caused by trauma from my childhood (our house was broken into by a swat team and my mom arrested for drug dealing (I don't even know if that was the charge or whatever really)) and I've always had a terrible time with names... like terrible. Like, my best friend Andrew... I would sometimes call him Josh, my cousin's name. And sometimes I would call Josh, Andrew... Now who does that?? I would realize as soon as I did it, usually, but still. Anyway, I was thinking and I realized even my more recent memories have become faded or erased... I was on a baseball team for 2-3 years. Ah, I just remembered the name. Andy's Bike Shop. But to be honest, I don't remember anything about it, and I can't remember any of the people I played with, except a couple. Andy Marshal, Austin Maruna. I can't remember anyone else... and I don't remember any of the games or even playing. I only remember my position (3rd base) because I caught a line-drive to 3rd and got a double play once. Ask me anything from my childhood ages 7-18 now though... to be honest, I can't really remember much at all. In a few years, it's likely I will forget the names of people I knew in high school as well, and I've gone to college for 2 years and I still don't know a single person. All I see is loneliness in my future. Could this be a precursor to Alzheimer's or something? Even if not, this in itself seems very sad to me, because without memories, what is life?

Okay, emo post is done now. Time to watch assassin movies and comedy movies to cheer me up.


Denise said...

Blogging is a good way to not have to remember things. You can just look them up. So keep blogging, re-read it and you'll re remember it. Do you know how memory works? Do you listen to radiolab? You should. Follow this link >> http://www.wnyc.org/shows/radiolab/episodes/2007/06/08

Also, everyone thinks about death. Did you read Slaughter house 5? It sort of puts a unique spin on what happens when you die. You just aren't. So you can't care, so it's not a big deal. If you focus on dying you'll never fully live. Look at us getting so philosophical. Know that you're the only one who has control of your life and your memories and what you do with them. If you want to remember more practice. If you want to live a more fulfilling life go out there and do it. No one is stopping you but yourself. :)

Dustin said...

And that's what I'm most afraid of: myself. I know no one is stopping me but myself, and that's what scares me.

Actually, I started a blog for 2 reasons basically. 1) I needed something else to do with my time (think busy work, project style); 2) I've always been interested in keeping a journal/diary type thing because of my memory problems, but I've never had the drive or attention span to actually do it; Enter: Blog.

However, even this may not work. As I've kept tons of papers and things from my last 15 years of school, and I read back and tbh I can't remember any of them. And I found a couple pages of a journal I started, and I couldn't believe I wrote it.

Besides having memories for myself though, not having memories hurts socially too. What do you talk to people about? The past. What do I talk about? *crickets*

And that Radiolab thing is interesting. @ 8:35, I laughed. Poor rat.

Wow, I just realized after re-reading my blog post. The baseball team was Eddie's Bike Shop, not Andy's... See? I fail. -_-'

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